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How To Be a Good Wife 101

A good wife organizes everything her husband needs for his meeting the following day. She lays it out carefully on the table, Job file, wallet, glasses, cell phone (charged) and then thinks nothing of running down the road half dressed with no make up, to take him the file that he forgot even though he had to MOVE IT to pick up the other items.

A good wife never complains about the severe imbalance in the division of the household chores but willingly does MORE than her fair share taking pleasure from enabling her husband to relax.

A good Wife remembers all the family occasions and doesn't take it personally when her Husband enquires why she forgot to send HIS mother a Birthday card.

A good Wife tolerates her Husbands inability to remember anything she has asked of him and has NO desire to ram anything up his backside when he returns from running errands without the ONE item requested.

A good Wife allows her Husband to believe that he makes ALL the important decisions in the house.

A good Husband sees his wife as skinny and beautiful no matter how fat and ugly she is and he NEVER comments or so much as raises an eyebrow when she is halfway through her third box of Godiva.

A good Husband NEVER questions his wife's spending habits or indeed makes any attempt to curtail her shopping sprees, knowing that he will benefit greatly in the long run.

A good Husband tolerates his wife talking to her friends for HOURS on end without actually conveying anything meaningful. He is secretly rejoicing that he isn't having to listen to her rabbiting on about the minutiae of life.

A good Husband is perfectly happy to eat leftovers for three days running and in fact compliments his wife on her EXCELLENT culinary skills while eating the dried up chicken breast and mouldy vegetables.

A good Husband allows his wife to believe that SHE makes all the important decisions in the house.



Fat (Chance) Tax

The latest decision by the Danish Government to impose a Fat Tax on high fat foods such as butter and cream is RIDICULOUS.  Britain is about to follow suit and I can see America will soon be jumping all over this. Apparently Scientists are on standby, ready to deliver another slew of useless reports about how sales on these items have fallen dramatically and the health of the nation has improved pro rata. Well I can save them the trouble of collating the data. Just watch "Fat, Sick and nearly Dead" and you will hear morbidly obese people who have life threatening health conditions as a result of their diets, testify that they would actually rather DIE than give up their cheeseburgers. Do you really think that an extra forty cents on a pound of butter is going to change their minds?

The Western diet is literally designed to kill you and this is NOT an accident. In the USA Doctors and Pharmaceutical companies are making MILLIONS prescribing pills to counteract the effects of the nation's consumption of CRAP.  In Europe the GOVERNMENT is picking up the bill due to the NHS system, so they are very keen to take action to reduce their expenditure.

Junk food is HIGHLY addictive and it is also very cheap. Unless it becomes MUCH MORE expensive than healthy food we are not going to make a dent in the problem. Years ago fat people were mainly the wealthy who could afford to eat all the rich and expensive foods whilst the poor struggled by with a diet of vegetables, grains and meat once a week. Now fruit and vegetables are ASTRONOMICALLY expensive so the drive through at McDeath is a $10 solution to feeding a family of four.

There are many people (myself included) who would love to buy only organic food but it is quite simply out of their budgets.

I wonder what this Fat Tax money is going to be used for? There have been no announcements declaring that the money collected will be used to subsidize the cost of fruits and vegetables (which would actually give the tax some validity) so one can't help but feel that this is just an ill disguised attempt to claw a bit more money from the average Joe's pay check.

There is actually nothing wrong with eating butter or cream in MODERATION and therein lies the problem - Our generation seems to have completely lost the concept of moderation. Going out to eat in affordable restaurants is an exercise in Mind over Platter as you are consistently served appetizers big enough to feed a small African nation. Of course if you can afford to eat in the BEST and most expensive restaurants you will be served dainty little portions because here More is considered Less and quality is valued over quantity. Any manager of a chain restaurant that adopted this policy would be lynched by his clientele on day one.

So the nation can't afford berries and grapes? Well let them eat cake. (Just charge them a little more for it so the NHS can afford their triple bypass surgeries.)


House Rules

This is the correct etiquette for returning to a hotel room at 2 am when your wife who was too tired to go to the dinner is already in there sound asleep. What you do is enter the room VERY quietly, tiptoe to your side of the bed, remove your clothing, softly climb in to bed and (lying on your side to avoid snoring) go straight into a deep slumber. What you do NOT do is stumble noisily into the room and decide it's a good time to recharge your computer, trip over various obstacles on route to the desk and spend TEN minutes fumbling with chargers, wires and adaptors and then another five minutes trying to locate a plug socket. Having made enough noise to wake not only your wife but the occupants of the room next door it is then COMPLETELY unacceptable to flop onto the mattress, lie on your back and start snoring in surround sound thereby ensuring that (now very crabby) wife is wide awake for the next three hours. 

This is the correct etiquette for packing up and leaving the same hotel room. What you do is co-operate fully with the procedure and take the initiative wherever possible. What you do NOT do is approach the suitcase that your wife has JUST finished packing and decide that you simply MUST have a certain pair of socks that are right at the bottom of said suitcase. Saying "have you emptied the safe?" when you are standing right next to the safe and could easily check it, is on a par with stupid rhetorical questions such as "Where are my glasses?"

This is the correct etiquette for arriving home after a few days away. What you do is put the kettle on and make your wife a cup of coffee or better yet offer her a glass of wine, having already run her a soothing bubble bath. What you do NOT do is put the TV on at FULL volume having pored YOURSELF a large glass of wine and plonk yourself down on the sofa to watch the Golf while she does the unpacking.

Just saying......................................


Win-Win Situation

I have a new obsession. It started a week ago when I was invited to play Words With Friends and I have been surgically attached to the computer or my phone ever since. In recent years the only person who would play Scrabble with me was Genius and he lost interest pretty quickly when it was apparent I had little hope of beating him. Now a whole new world of opponents has opened up as I can play all my friends in far flung geographical locations. So far my track record is pretty good but I am especially proud of my victories against a certain person of superior intellect who I will refer to as Big Skill as his initials just happen to be BS. 

Big Skill is one of those annoying people who is good at EVERYTHING; you know the type, plays most instruments, speaks multiple languages, and climbs mountains. BS is also a football player, talented artist, an accomplished actor, film maker AND makes pasta from scratch. He considers himself the Maestro of word games so Imagine his shock when I proved to be a formidable opponent running away with our first four games. I think he has a new found respect for me but he is currently MIA which is MOST annoying as we are halfway through three Words For Friends games and one game of Scrabble. No doubt he has found something more intellectual to do like advanced Russian Language classes.

I am COMPLETELY addicted to the game (which is why I've had no time to blog) and as I am jet-lagged in Hong Kong I'm awake at the weirdest hours so it's keeping me sane when I can't sleep. The other HUGE benefit is that I am losing weight because I am less interested in eating than I am in playing and I think the challenge to my brain must be burning off extra calories. It's just as well I have a demanding job to do five days a week or I might be in danger of becoming one of those sad souls who lock themselves away in dark rooms with their computers for months on end.

So far my husband has been fairly tolerant of the hours I'm racking up on my new hobby. However this may well change if the Formula One coverage comes to an end. Fortunately to date he has barely noticed my preoccupation and the added benefit is that I am not constantly chattering away to him so no more arguments about why he is NOT listening to me; it's a Win-Win situation.


Spend Spend Spend

Last night Rockstar and Genius were discussing (fantasizing) about what they would do if they suddenly had one hundred million dollars. What was interesting was that both of them were adamant that the very SECOND the money was in their grubby little paws they would rush off on a MEGA spending spree involving the purchase of expensive cars, houses in remote beach locations, and designer label clothing. They seemed to think that my concept of taking at least forty-eight hours to decide how best to use the money and to actually formulate a plan was RIDICULOUS. In their minds one hundred million dollars is SO much money that they are confident that they would NEVER have to worry about lack of it again. It was actually quite scary listening to them because they are both normally so frugal but it seemed like just the IDEA of extreme wealth was enough to make them completely crazy and totally irrational. 

What they couldn't seem to grasp was how quickly they would blow through that money if they just went out and bought everything they (thought) they wanted. Perhaps that would be feasible with one hundred BILLION dollars but not with one hundred million. Like most lottery winners they would probably be bankrupt within five years; which is why it is probably better to accumulate wealth slowly and adjust gradually to an improvement in circumstances rather than inherit millions overnight and become giddy and irresponsible from the shock. However I would be VERY happy to test that theory and prove it wrong. 

Of course if you are over fifty when good fortune strikes you are almost certainly past the point of wasting it all on frivolities. For most of us who have been slogging away for decades just trying to keep our heads above the waters of our debts, a large windfall represents freedom and we already know that freedom simply means working because you want to not because you HAVE to. The allure of the big house (too much maintenance) the fast car (expensive to insure) the fancy clothes (too tired to go anywhere that would necessitate wearing them) has somewhat worn off and a yearning for a simple, peaceful, stress-free existence prevails, although my husband is quite clear that in order to fully enjoy HIS peaceful existence he would need a Ferrari. 

A woman my mother knows won twelve million euros on the Lottery. She gave a little money to her family, bought a few small treats and continued on with her job as a cleaning lady. She had no desire to spend spend spend because she was happy with her life before she won the money and she is just as happy now. I suspect that she is someone who discovered a long time ago that the best things in life are not things.


Breaking Point

No matter how much you love your family there are days when you would gladly wring their scrawny necks. Today is one of those days. I floated into the house all serene from having a lovely spa pedicure and was verbally assaulted by Rockstar who was in a rage due to some news that was not to his liking. He wanted my opinion and when it wasn't completely in line with his own view he got even angrier. Meanwhile I have been nagging Genius ALL DAY to come downstairs and pack his shipping boxes for college, the contents of which are strewn around the living room floor. It's a ten minute job that I would be more than happy to do myself but he is INSISTENT that he must be the one to do it. After the umpteenth request for his co-operation was met with yet another excuse as to why he would do it later I snapped. Still furious with Rockstar I let rip and screamed at Genius to GET HIS SKINNY LITTLE ASS DOWNSTAIRS AND PACK THE BOXES RIGHT NOW. We have a guest arriving in two hours and it would be nice if our visitor could walk through the front door without tripping over the contents of a dorm room.

Enter my husband stage left having returned from Publix with several flagons of wine (thank goodness.) He walked through the door minutes after my screaming episode and said "Where's Mom?" He didn't see me although I was standing about three feet away from him so when the boys said "She's left you, she couldn't take any more"  he replied "GOOD" It would have been quite funny except that I have a horrible feeling he was serious. He then announced I had ruined three of his best shirts by washing them with the dog's red bandana which apparently was not color-fast. I was not in the mood to be contrite but I managed to control the urge to make the situation worse by telling him exactly what to do with his pink shirts.

So now all three boys are on my S*** list. Only the dog is still in my good graces but no doubt he will find a way to upset me before this day is done. Sometimes the people you love just need to push you to Breaking Point.


Radiators and Drains

People are either Radiators or Drains. Radiators give off positive energy to all those they come into contact with. They are givers; happy souls who are fun to be around and know how to laugh off the rough stuff that occasionally we all have do deal with. Drains on the other hand will suck the life blood from you. They are always miserable and entrenched in victim mode. They are convinced the world is against them and always see the glass half empty. Drains are full of complaints while Radiators are full of gratitude. Regardless of circumstances our attitude will always color what we see and feel but it is the only thing we actually have ANY control over. Radiators know this but Drains don't get it at all.

Yesterday I had a run-in with a Drain that lives in my neighborhood. This woman seems to live in a permanent state of angst. She got super aggressive and confrontational with me because she thought I was trying to tailgate behind her into my OWN community. She approached my car and DEMANDED to know why I had moved from the visitor lane to the residents lane and even when she clearly recognized me and realized her mistake she did not feel any need to apologize for her neurotic and unpleasant behavior. She just stormed back to her car as if my very existence on the planet was justification for her antagonism. I pity the husband she went home to.

The older I get the less patience I have with Drains; I used to be quite accommodating, a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on but NOT ANYMORE. I have had ENOUGH I am tired of dealing with drama queens WHINING on about petty nonsense and dumping all their crap on me, I've got enough of my own problems without having to be responsible for solving everyone else's. I need more laughter in my life and less negativity so I am going to make a point of attracting Radiators and repelling Drains. If I get so much as a SNIFF of an approaching drain I'm going to head for the hills and stay well out of sight until the Drain finds another unsuspecting friend to glom onto. Meanwhile I am going to do my BEST to become the sort of Radiator that other Radiators want to be around. I want to be a little ray of sunshine not a dark grey thundercloud. 

Joy is contagious so if you surround yourself with happy upbeat people it will be very difficult to remain unaffected by the warmth they radiate. On the other hand misery loves company so if you find yourself surrounded by Drains move swiftly along before you succumb to the black hole they are trying to suck you into.


Inside Every Thin Woman is a Fat Woman Desperate to Get Out

A recent e-mail from a close friend who loves food as much as I do, brought me to a stark realization; the reason I have SO much trouble staying slim is that my alter ego is a four hundred pound couch potato. In fact my TRUE motivation to get super skinny is not for how great I will look and feel, nor for the fabulous clothes I'll be able to wear or all the compliments I will get, it is simply that the skinnier I am the more I will be able to eat and eat WHATEVER I want before alarm bells start ringing and I have to get back on the diet wagon. When I am thin as a stick carbs will no longer be the enemy, desserts will not have to be rationed, calories will no longer need to be counted and I can let my inner fat child run wild.

I think four years of living predominantly on Lean Cuisines and dry crackers has deeply affected my psyche. The novelty of not having to think beyond opening a box and microwaving the contents has worn off. The weight loss is so slow that after eating these hideously boring meals for two or three weeks I lose a pound and a half that goes straight back on the first time we go out for dinner. Of course I eat the most fattening food on the menu as a reward for my period of suffering. I wonder how old I will be before I no longer care what I weigh? 

I am currently on a quest to be Fabulous at Fifty and I have less than six months to shed the seven more pounds required to meet my goal. But I've SUDDENLY decided that the following decade should be dedicated to becoming Substantial at Sixty. How amazing and liberating it will be to just reinvent myself as someone who actually WANTS to GAIN weight! I will finally be able to ENJOY social occasions because there will be no more angst about how they interfere with my diet and no more irritation towards people who invite me to these various affairs (unlike now when I literally DREAD the next event.) Of course by the end of the first year I will not fit into any of my current clothing so my plan is to float around in vast colorful artsy kaftans and buy even larger chunkier jewellery. I am SO excited - this is going to be a whole new way of living with every day focused on all the delicious things I can chow down on.

But will I really be happy? Aye there's the rub, because can I be sure that this new me will truly be any more content than the current one? Because after all inside every fat woman is a thin one who is DESPERATE to get out.