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Tuesday
Nov272018

The Millennium Bug

Everything you have EVER been told is a big FAT lie! You’ve been raised to believe a whole set of falsehoods that are going to come back to bite you in the ass just when you least expect it.

I’m sorry to be the one to burst the bubble but having just survived the most traumatic family Thanksgiving of my life I feel obligated to share my new found wisdom and offer some essential advice for surviving the holiday season with Millennial children. Little did we know that the Y2K Bug was not destined to create havoc in our computer systems but in the very fabric of our society twenty years later.

I know you thought that once your kids had left home, moved to other states, set up fully functioning lives with their own houses and bills and partners, that your job as a parent was basically DONE. I know you thought that you could then look forward to a series of perfectly scripted family reunions with your offspring returning to base happy and fulfilled to break bread and share episodes of their smoothly running existences but that is NOT how it works anymore.

If you are the parent of a Millennial PLEASE heed my words - your Y2K babies are the most CONFUSED generation to date and things are about to get a whole lot worse!  What you have hitherto failed to recognize is that the world has CHANGED. History is being re-written by a bunch of lunatics who have been given free rein and a MASSIVE unlimited platform on which to create complete havoc by spewing out a lot of untested and unproven theories and marketing them as FACTS. We now live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to make/fake news and to use social media as a means of influence to an UNLIMITED audience.

Those lively family discussions with exchanges of opinions & observations that you used to enjoy so much are about to degenerate into really ugly arguments as you struggle to prove that the Earth is NOT flat, using only your basic knowledge of THOUSANDS of years of scientific research, mathematical equations, and a rudimentary understanding of physics. I can assure you that you are in NO WAY equipped to argue with a generation that has access to the world wide web and can pull up overwhelming evidence with their phone-tapping fingertips to support any conspiracy theories they decide to believe.

I’ve decide to deal with this disruptive threat to my sanity in the good old fashioned way - by being the PARENT and laying down some unbreakable ground rules which must be adhered to if you still want to sit at my table, eat my turkey and pavlova and use my car to visit your friends:

1. Come home clean - no weed smoking within one month of visiting us and preferably EVER again in your life.

2. Find a good therapist and have at least two sessions of unloading your crap on him/her so that you can refrain from unleashing your darkest fears and anxieties on a mother who is mentally and physically exhausted and only wants a hug and reassurance that her roast potatoes  are still the BEST.

3.No discussion WHATSOEVER on the shape of the planet will be tolerated. In this house we are dialing it back to safe topics such as whose turn it is to do the dishes and what movie we are going to watch.

4.Have a haircut, buy a new shirt and show up cool, calm and collected not looking like you’ve just escaped a war zone and are in fear for your life even if that is how you feel.

5.Boundaries (Related to # 4.) LIE - Honesty is overrated especially with parents. You are not 12 anymore, your parents are old and frail, they need to be sheltered from the dark and stormy waters of your Psyche - that’s why you have a soul mate - so you can be your true self 99% of the time and save your best behavior for family reunions. 

It’s four weeks till our next family Christmas and my heart is full of seasonal joy. Having established my new ‘House Rules’ I feel quietly confident that the Millennium Bug has been successfully squashed (if not exterminated) on my beautiful, ROUND perfect, spinning planet. 

______________________________________________________________________________________

Y2K bug, also called Year 2000 bug or Millennium Bug, a problem in the coding of computerized systems that was projected to create havoc in computers and computer networks around the world at the beginning of the year 2000 (in metric measurements K stands for thousand.)

A special thank you to PAPA MAC - for reminding me that the best way to overcome trauma is to laugh and then blog about it.


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