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Saturday
Sep132014

Facecrook

I think I’ve been conned.

Until recently I had an unblemished record; no useless crap purchased from dumb TV infomercials. No investments in get-rich-quick schemes.  No risk free trials of weight loss products, I was COMPLETELY immune to all of it.

But then Mufasa and I found ourselves with an hour to kill before Brunch at Buvette in NYC with Rockstar and Genius. Wandering around West Village we stumbled upon an interesting new store. Now let me just say that I am NOT one of those women who spend ungodly amounts of money on beauty products. My bathroom shelves are not lined with jars of the best anti-wrinkle creams and I have no intention of EVER having Botox or plastic surgery. I believed I was content to grow old gracefully and accept my lizard eyelids, drooping jaw muscles and deep lines as evidence of the rich tapestry of a life well lived and enjoyed.

Now it seems that hovering under the surface of that self-deception was vanity waiting to pounce. All it took was one small (convincing) demonstration and Mufasa and I were ENTRANCED.

This is how it went down. Charming young man beckons us in and invites us to let him apply miracle serum to our faces. We have time to kill (and no intention of buying anything) so of course we say YES.

We are seated in front of mirrors and the serum is applied. INSTANTLY we see results! AMAZING, UNBELIEVABLE, MIND-BOGGLING results.  Before (and below) our very eyes our wrinkles TOTALLY VANISH.

We are literally SPEECHLESS  (for about ten seconds) after which we start having a loud, manic and over-excited discussion about what this miracle serum can do for us. We can barely contain our excitement at the thought of returning to the office and having everyone proclaim our obviously more youthful appearance. We don’t even ask how much these serums cost (PLURAL because we are now told that we need an eye one, a face one AND a collagen cream AND a night cream) because frankly we DON’T CARE! We are already in the mind-set of “No price is too high for this stuff.”

Since we don’t want to leave the store looking lopsided we ask Charming Young Man to apply the treatment to the other side of our faces. Lo and behold the miracle is repeated – BEAUTIFUL SMOOTH WRINKLE-FREE SKIN, we instantly drop ten years.

I hand over the credit card and only THEN are we told what will be charged. It is a shocking, ridiculous sum of money that I am NOT willing to disclose to ANYONE, EVER and for the first time since we entered the store I start to have doubts. We complete the transaction however because A) we are too embarrassed to stop it and B) because we are still COMPLETELY CONVINCED that within a couple of weeks of using this stuff we are going to be the most beautiful (older) couple on the planet.

Now three weeks later I am forced to admit that we may have been taken for a ride. The potions are NOT working. There could be two reasons for this:

1. We keep forgetting to use them on a regular basis as instructed.

(or most likely)

2.  Charming Young Man had something entirely different in HIS demonstration bottle.

Whatever the reason I do feel slightly ill (and stupid) every time I look at my credit card bill. There are several questions continually running through my brain: Have I reached a point in my life where I will be easy prey to any con artist that crosses my path? Am I beginning to realize that looking like a haggered old crone is actually not that much fun? Am I officially to be classed now as one of those people who have more money than sense? And the most important question of all: WTF does Charming Young Facecrook have in that bottle?

 

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