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Saturday
Aug112012

Menopausal Madness

WHAT ON EARTH possessed me to mention to my husband recently that I thought I might have started the menopause? Sometimes I amaze myself with my own stupidity.

After all, every woman knows that men just LOVE to blame the SLIGHTEST mood swing of their partner on That Time Of The Month. The fact that you may be just a little crabby because they forgot your birthday, didn't take out the trash, left the toilet seat up AGAIN or completely ignored you all weekend because they were so busy watching SPORTS doesn't register with the male species AT ALL.  Oh no, if you are not your usual perfectly cheerful, sunny, sweet self there can only be ONE explanation - it's TTOTM. 

This is INCREDIBLY convenient because whatever response you have to misdemeanors committed by your Husbands/Boyfriends can also be labelled as an OVER-REACTION because let's face it at any given moment women are either pre-menstrual, menstrual or post-menstral and therefore unstable, irrational and TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE to understand and deal with.

If you are smart you will have figured out fairly quickly that it's best to hide ALL evidence of  TTOTM and to blame any symptoms you are having on other causes: Pounding Headache = terrible hangover, Excruciating stomach cramps = food poisoning, Eating three pounds of chocolate = tired and overworked. That way you may get a scrap of sympathy and some TLC instead of that sideways glance that reveals that your Loved One is going to lay VERY low until you emerge from the deep black hole of madness that engulfs you at TTOTM.

I actually have no idea if I'm starting the big M or not but I did wonder out loud if this might be the case, because I have started waking up at 2.30 am (for no explainable reason) and according to some of my friends this is a symptom. Not long after I uttered those fateful words I knew it was a HUGE mistake because Mufasa and I had just been snapping at each other over his COMPLETELY unhelpful advice that I should change my sleep pattern (like I have any control over it whatsoever.) And this from a man who falls asleep on the sofa EVERY night and constantly complains of being exhausted. Of course my irritation at his unhelpful advice was a TOTAL over-reaction so when I made my Menopause comment he jumped all over it with an "AH HA! So that's why you're in such a bad mood - well this is going to be a FUN FIVE YEARS."

And that's when I realized the scale of my error. What a DISASTER, now all I have to look forward to for the next decade is every single low point in my life being written off as Menopausal Madness. 

Now in preparation for what he is anticipating to be an EXTREMELY difficult patch for us both, my Husband is gearing up to spend a LOT more time away from the marital home. In addition to his weekly golf session he has added a twice-weekly soccer game to his fitness program which immediately resulted in an injured hamstring. Undeterred he rushed out to buy himself a pair of compression shorts and has arranged some massage sessions with Faybian (more time out of the house) although I'm not sure if he realizes yet that Faybian is in fact a man. Well hopefully he will ultimately see that as a huge plus since at least his Masseur will NEVER be Pre-menstrual or Menopausal.


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